Friday, July 10, 2009

So you want to be a PRO CYCLIST

Dear god, why? Never mind that you're going to have to put yourself through agony in training just to get the chance to torture yourself in races. Ignore the whole leg-shaving thing (which by the way has nothing to do with aerodynamics and everything to do with making it easier to pick chunks of dirty asphalt from your lacerated flesh after a crash). Skip past the fact that the biggest impact of your sweat-stained career will be to encourage yet more amateurs with flabby buttocks and beer bellies to wear spandex in public. Don't dwell for a moment on the minor problems of infertility or low life expectancy among your fellow riders. And forget all about the ridiculous tan lines you'll end up with.

Instead, focus your attention on the one thing that makes your sport possible in the first place: drugs. Despite the best efforts of the cycling world to pretend otherwise, no sane person honestly believes that anyone - even you - can ride up and down enormous mountains at speeds most of us would struggle to achieve on the flat without serious chemical sustenance, never mind keep doing it for three weeks straight. Drugs are an indelible part of cycling, just like showing off in the NBA, bad dress sense in golf, or overpaid prima donnas in football.

So the question is why go to all the trouble of popping enough pills to kill a horse just to get to the top of the mountain a few minutes quicker, when it would be much easier and more fun to get loaded and drive there instead?