Friday, April 24, 2009

So you want to be an ASTRONAUT

Are you too cocky, arrogant, and shit-eating full of yourself to be an air force fighter pilot? Are you more into your own ass than Tom Cruise looking at himself in a gold-plated mirror? Do you have an impossibly square jaw, rock-hard gonads, and a science-based PhD? Then NASA is waiting for your call.

If you are chosen, if you are found to have the right stuff, a specially trained team of spaceman fluffers will massage your swollen ego, spin you round till you hurl, massage your inflamed ego some more, prep you to do lots of pointless experiments in zero-gravity, stroke your red, angry ego one last time, and then strap you to the top of a big tube filled to the brim with highly combustible liquids and gas.

Then they'll light the blue touch paper and retreat a safe distance, just in case something goes pop prematurely or your head swells to the point where it endangers physics.

And the one thing they won't do? Admit that a machine could do every space thing you can do, but do it better, do it cheaper, and do it without being such an insufferable, self-satisfied dickflap.

Monday, April 20, 2009

So you want to buy a MOTORBIKE

Two words: Organ Donor.

Friday, April 17, 2009

So you want to be a PHOTOGRAPHER

First up, let's clear up a small confusion you might be having: the difference between "being a photographer" and "owning a camera".

Not sure which category you fall into? Then take our easy quiz to find out.

When using your camera, do you:

a) Take anything from 10 to 50 shots of the same subject, 90 percent of which are excellent and a few of which are stunning quality (and you can tell which is which); or

b) Occasionally take the odd half-decent photo of something random, largely by accident.

If you answered mostly A then Congratulations! You're a photographer.

If you answered mostly B then, well, you know the rest ...

Monday, April 13, 2009

So you want to be a TV PRESENTER

Why? They're all cretins.

Smug, vacuous, loudmouth, overambitious, inane, preening, self-important, grasping, vapid, oily cretins.

Is that you?

Friday, April 10, 2009

So you want to CLIMB MT. EVEREST

Go ahead. No really, please: Go for it. You can do it.

Just be careful not step on any of the dead bodies on your way to becoming one of them.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

So you want to be a KID'S BOOK AUTHOR

Just fuck off.

Unless your name is "JK Rowling", in which case you can fuck off and - when you get there - fuck off again.

And take that speccy twig-carrying twat with you.